It is crazy how long I have had this journal. Granted I abandoned it a long time ago, but still. Last night I was reading over my old entries. I had all these entries when Gus and I were broken up. I wrote all of these things about knowing that he wasn't the right person for me and why. Now we are married. The funny thing is that all of those things that I complained about, all the reasons that we weren't right together, none of that has changed. If anything, he's become less romantic, less passionate, more distant. I don't know, tonight I don't even know why I went back to him. I read through my entries from when we got back together and think that it was so stupid. Just loneliness. No, love too, but largely fear of change (one of my biggest problems). I am so Dante (Clerks, not Inferno). I'm like the dog sitting on the nail and whining. I don't move because it doesn't hurt enough to do anything about it. Is that really comfortable? I love my husband, I really do. And I truly believe that there is no one better out there. I just feel like I need more. I need to feel like he's happy to see me after a long day. I need to feel like I'm more than a burden. I need to feel loved and beautiful and wanted. I need to get these things without always having to ask for them, always having to be the one who initiates any kind of interaction.

Of course all of this was true before. The difference was that when I was feeling this way before I could just hang out with my friends. A few drinks at the seaport looking over the water or a walk over the Brooklyn Bridge on a warm summer night and a late dinner at Wo Hop and things seem pretty good.

Tonight we have lyrics

Some folks like to get away, take a holiday from the neighborhood
Hop a flight to Miami beach or Hollywood.
I'm taking a greyhound on the Hudson river line-
I'm in a new york state of mind.

I seen all the movie stars in their fancy cars and their limousines,
Been high in the Rockies under the evergreens,
But I know what Im needing and I don't want to waste more time-
I'm in a new york state of mind.

It was so easy living day by day
Out of touch with the rhythm and the blues,
But now I need a little give and take,
The new york times, the daily news...

It comes down to reality-and its fine with me cause Ive let it slide,
Don't care if its Chinatown or riverside,
I don't have any reasons, Ive left them all behind-
I'm in a new york state of mind.

Repeat 3rd verse

I'm just taking a greyhound on the Hudson river line-
cause I'm in a new york state of mind.